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Newsletter for April 2012
Katherine - Schenectady,
New York
I believe in unconditional love. The bond I share with my
autistic son Michael teaches me how big love is. The dream that
my two year old son would “out-grow” his apparent lack of
connection with me, his withdrawal from family activities and
communication was not coming true. Michael spent his hours
rocking from foot to foot or scratching on surfaces; his blue
eyes staring blankly. I was distraught when he continuously
turned away from me; stiffened from my eager attempts to hug
him; to touch him! How could I offer love to my child if he
refused to let me hold him? What relationship could we have if
he wouldn’t accept my offers to care for him?
I wasn’t prepared for the long awaited diagnosis of doom; the
one that no parent wants to hear. In November, l971, after an
exhausting day of interviews and head to toe medical and
psychological evaluations for Michael, I braced myself to hear
the Doctor’s life-sentence! “Your son Michael is mentally
deficient with possible autism. Don’t break your neck to “fix”
him. You can’t put neurons in a brain like his”. My legs went
limp as I struggled to lift myself off the clutches of this
Doctor's couch. I was told not to hope. Surely I couldn’t fix my
son or force him to respond to love on my terms. I just wanted a
relationship with him.
After that cold, November diagnosis, I was determined not to
abandon my dreams for a relationship with my son. I was
desperate to enliven my beautiful, distant boy. I would learn
all I could about Michael’s world. I wanted to be with him. I
couldn’t depend on hugs and give-and-take playtime with Michael.
I would have to move beyond words like ”normal”, “socially
appropriate” and thoughts like :”What did I do to cause this
isolation in my son’s life?” I would not relinquish HOPE. I
learned how to love my son differently; creatively honoring his
boundary of emotional safety and physical distance. That was the
hardest. For many months I followed Michael around our house,
rocking from foot to foot with him, knocking and scratching on
walls , sneakers and stereo speakers. Michael and swayed for
hours every day on his teeter-totter. And at mealtime I recited
poems about foods! All the while I was present for my son in his
space without expecting him to be present in my own. Always with
hope. Creating different ways to teach, to learn and to love
inspired my 25 year career in teaching special education
students.
And then one glorious afternoon in late July, one week shy of
Michael’s third birthday, he and I climbed into our
above-the-ground swimming pool. Spontaneously, I lifted his
resistant body toward the sky, tossing him into the splashing
air. For an instant, he looked down directly into my eyes and
laughed a belly laugh that floods my heart even today. We
connected in a joyous, genuine union. My dream.
A laugh, a blink of eye contact; these may be small things for
some. But for Michael and me that day, our pool became a sea of
possibilities for more joy.
Each day I try to bring Michael’s smiling, perseverant spirit to
my High school students. Who knows? If I continue to honor
children with my whole heart in their space, they’ll believe,
like I do, in unconditional love for themselves and for each
other.
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