" One of the main components of a happy marriage is
that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act
judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with
someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that
hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to
move past it.
This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we
are not stingy to forgive.If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must
learn to forgive. " - the author
Basics Of A Happy Marriage
- Author: Unknown
Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the
common faith that binds the couple. Since Islam is a way of life and not
just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of
a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases
communication and sharing of values.Faith plays an important role in the
developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him)
said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act
and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each
other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions Do you wish that
Allah should forgive youEthey said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He
responded, Then forgive each other.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are
able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards
each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may
arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The
challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can
only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not
stingy to forgive. If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to
Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us
down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the
past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new
situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and
become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a
healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive
frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance
.We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult
moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are
at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each
other to the truth and counsel each other to SabrE(Quran, chapter 103).
Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because
they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own
selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right
to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion).
Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to
a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based
on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our
differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their
marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah
(Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family.
This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses
consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd
who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave
responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more
the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this
Friendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with
in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it
becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to
convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if
we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our
parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly
relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force
Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is
okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also
make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If
friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at
the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God
fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends
should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun
times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the
park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or
watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses.
Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However
there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over
the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest
trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab
(etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense
of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another
form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a
trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play
fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is
okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the
Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your
enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of
our children. To use words such as "never" and
"always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair
and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance: One of the most common points of contention in marriages is
money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and
effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually
agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget
together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It
should be remembered that the
wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore
should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it
to the family
Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not
well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle.
This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and
misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that
family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first
priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open
hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added
responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if
the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to
who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they
will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in
place. The making of a will is most essential .
Feelings: Prophet Muhammad stated that Allah forgives all sins if we
repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their
feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's
feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what
they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous
to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant
and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if
they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one
does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not
better to make amends when we have the
Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To
consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband
and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members
of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since
is to be free
to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom
to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their
Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your
spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in
their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret
Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each
other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak
their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without
compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it
hinders in the development of
closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet
advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and
foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes
them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual
development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment
to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very
inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be
appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually
depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and
rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart
does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting
anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high
that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples
start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves
that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for
each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of
their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing
activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their
financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with
their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.