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11 TIPS FOR MUSLIM COUPLES
11 tips for Muslim couples dealing with marital disputes
in the West
Marriages usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates-the
couple, their parents, other relatives, friends. Things usually
run smoothly.
But somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop up. This is of
course natural, but these can escalate to dangerous levels if
not dealt with correctly.
Sound Vision spoke to Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social
Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA)
about tips for couples dealing with marital disputes. She
pinpointed some problems and provided tips on how to deal with
them.
1. Money
Couples argue over many things but money is by far one of the
most frequent and serious. The solution is to discuss issues
openly and consult within the family.
For instance, the issue of a wife working outside the home can
become a contentious one. This should preferably be discussed
before marriage. Also, if she does decide to work and the
husband agrees, does she want to contribute a certain portion to
household expenses or will she keep all of the money for herself
(which is her right)?
One of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make
an easy budget which tracks expenses, income, investments, and
establishes a framework for taking care of regular family
necessities (see a sample budget for a family).
Also, learn how to make a budget and deal with debt. If you are
a young student, keep in mind you have to pay off student loans.
You should also know where to get interest-free loans and what
assistance is available (for more information about Islamic
money issues, check out Sound Vision's money page.
2. In-laws
In-laws are the focus of blame and reproach when there are
marital disputes.
But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them.
Here are some tips:
a.
Remember your spouse's parents have known them longer and loved
them longer. Never make an issue about "me or them".
b.
Let respective parties settle their own disputes. If your
mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with
it. Don't interfere
c.
Don't tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with
their parents.
d.
Expect some adjustment time for parents after marriage to adjust
to this new relationship.
e.
Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about
daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws.
f.
Always treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.
g.
Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.
h.
Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your
dad.
i.
Do not go to your parents with your quarrels.
j.
If you are supporting your parents financially inform your
spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.
k.
Do not forbid your spouse from seeing family unless you fear for
their religion and safety.
l.
Do not divulge secrets.
m.
Make time to know your in-laws but stay out of their disputes.
n.
Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and
brother-in-laws (i.e.no hugging or kissing).
o.
You are not obliged to spend every weekend with your in-laws.
p.
Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their
grandchildren.
q.
Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.
r.
Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage
unless you allow them to.
s.
Invite in-laws at least once a month for a meal.
t.
Visit them when you can and encourage your spouse to visit their
parents and regularly check on them.
u.
When parents become dependent on their children, a serious
discussion with all parties present should take place.
Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must
be worked out.
3. Parenting
The tug of war that results from differing understandings of
parenting are also a source of tension in marriage. One solution
is to start learning about Islamic parenting before having
children. If you already have kids, you can still learn. Check
out Sound Vision's parenting page. Or contact organizations like
ISSA for resources.
4. Stress
Stress is an almost constant factor in most people's lives in
North America.
Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work, for example,
is carried into the home.
Couples and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the
family. For instance, couples can take a walk to talk about the
day or go to the Masjid for at least one prayer. They can read
Qur'an individually or together. The methods can vary, but as
long as they are Halal and work, they can be used.
5. Domestic violence
This is an extremely sad reality and unless it is dealt with
promptly by victims, perpetrators and/or those concerned about
the two, then the family will break. Seeking help is necessary
and if domestic violence is not stopped, the destructive effects
will not only be harmful to the husband and wife, but to their
children as well.
Family members, friends and Imams need to stop the abuse. They
must intervene and work on getting help for the husband and the
wife.
6. Spiritual incompatibility
This is a growing problem in North America, where Muslims from
all around the world live and different understandings of Islam
are present. There is a disturbing lack of tolerance amongst
young Muslims, especially, who may get sucked into cult-like
groups which preach a "we're right and everyone else is wrong"
mentality, whether the issue is where you put your hands in
prayer or whether you decide to wear Western clothes or
traditional Eastern ones.
This intolerance is being transferred to marriages, where a
couple may differ on minor points of faith. Married couples must
understand the difference between an Islamically acceptable
difference of opinion and one that is not.
They must develop a tolerance, balance and respect for their
differences on that basis.
7. Sexual dysfunction
This is one of the least talked about problems, but it is one
that is wreaking havoc in a number of marriages. Many couples
who are marrying are not learning the Islamic perspective on sex
and marriage. As a result, when they are not satisfied with
their spouse, a number of them may turn to others or seek easy
divorce, instead of a solution.
Couples have to understand that the marital relationship in this
area, as in others, needs work and patience and cannot be the
subject of whims and impatience. Knowledge, practice and if
possible, the advice of a wise, compassionate scholar are two
key elements in finding a solution to this problem.
8. Interfaith marriages
Islam forbids marriage between Muslim women and non-Muslim men.
There are a number of Muslim women who have taken this step and
regretted it later. Such an action, in most Muslim families,
results in the woman being isolated from her family with no
support. As a result, when marital disputes do arise, parental
support, which is there for many Muslim couples, is not there
for these women. These Muslim women may also experience guilt
for disobeying Allah and hurting their parents.
In other cases, Muslim women ask non-Muslim men they want to
marry to convert shortly before the marriage to appease their
parents. Again this can lead to marital disputes. Two things
usually happen. Either the man becomes a truly practicing Muslim
and the couple is no longer compatible; or he's bombarded with
Muslims from the community wanting to invite him to Islam and he
gets upset and may hate Islam.
In the case of Muslim men marrying Jewish and Christian women,
the situation is different. While Islam does allow this, Muslim
men marrying Jews and Christians need to remember that living in
the West, if they end up divorcing, the children will almost
automatically be given to the mother.
Also, remember that the mother is the child's most important
school. If you want your kids to grow up as practicing Muslims,
you are better off marrying a practicing Muslim woman,
especially in the West, where the unIslamic cultural influences
outside the home are strong enough. Inside the home, it will
become even harder to maintain Islamic influences if a mother is
not a practicing Muslim herself.
9. Intercultural marriages
While Islam does not forbid intercultural marriages, they can
become a source of tension when Muslims, primarily the couple,
but also their families, make their culture more important than
Islam. If parental support is there for an intercultural
marriage, things are smoother for the couple. If there is not,
and if there is even hostile opposition on the part of one or
both sets of parents, it could be better to not marry the person
in the long run.
10. Lack of domestic skills
While girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers
and doctors, for instance, there is little to no emphasis being
placed on gaining domestic skills. It should be remembered that
in Islam, while women are not forbidden from working within
Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with
housework, women's primary duty is within the home as a home
manager and mother. As a result of the lack of domestic skills,
many married couples find themselves in messy homes, where meals
lack proper nutrition and in general, there is frustration.
If a married couple is working, husbands need to pitch in more
in the home and remember that their wife is a not a machine, but
a human being who also needs rest after a hard day of work.
11. The modern Muslim woman meets the
old-fashioned Muslim man
While young Muslim women of the West are being encouraged to be
strong and confident, boys are being raised in the same way and
with the same cultural expectations as their fathers. As a
result, young couples face a tug of war, when the old-fashioned,
young Muslim boy won't lift a finger around the house (since he
never saw his dad do this) and his young Muslim wife expects him
to pitch in, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be
upon him) did with his wives.
As well, a number of young Muslim men expect their wives not to
argue with them since they never saw their mother cross their
father. This is once again cultural. But what is clear is that
boys and girls are being raised very differently. Parents have
to be more careful to give proper training to both children. As
well, parents need to intervene in cases of dispute of this
nature and be fair, not favor their own child.
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