Al-Huda
Foundation, NJ U. S. A
the Message Continues ... 7/103
Newsletter for March 2010
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The Muslim Woman and Her Parents
courtesy: aawaz-e-dost@yahoogroups.com
She treats them with kindness and respect
(birr)
One of the main distinguishing characteristics of the true
Muslim woman is her respectful and kind treatment of her
parents. Islam encourages respect towards and kind treatment of
parents in many definitive texts of the Qur'an and Sunnah; any
Muslim woman who reads these texts has no choice but to adhere
to their teachings and treat her parents with kindness and
respect, no matter what the circumstances or the state of the
relationship between daughter and parents.
She recognizes their status and
knows her duties towards them
From her reading of the Qur'an, the Muslim woman understands the
high status to which Allah (SWT) has raised parents, and that it
is a status which mankind has never known except in Islam, which
has placed respect for parents just one step below belief in
Allah (SWT) and true worship of Him. Many ayat of the Qur'an
describe pleasing one's parents as coming second only to
pleasing Allah (SWT), and confirm that treating parents well is
the best of good deeds after having faith in Allah (SWT). (
Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good, to
parents . . .) (Qur'an 4:36)
So the Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her
religion is kinder and more respectful towards her parents than
any other woman in the world; this does not stop when she leaves
the home to marry and start her own family, and has her own,
independent, busy life. Her respect and kindness towards her
parents are ongoing and will remain an important part of her
behavior until the end of her life, in accordance with the
Qur'anic teaching which has enjoined kind treatment of parents
for life, especially when they reach old age and become
incapacitated and are most in need of kind words and good care:
<DIR>( Your Lord has decreed that
you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents.
Whether one of both of them attain old age in your life, say not
to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in
terms of honor. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of
humility, and say, `My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as
they cherished me in childhood.') (Qur'an 17:23-24)
The Muslim woman whose heart has been illuminated with the light
of Qur'anic guidance is always receptive and responsive to this
divine instruction, which she reads in the ayat that enjoin good
treatment of parents. So her kindness and respect towards them
will increase, and she will be even more devoted to serving
them. She will do her utmost to please them, even if she has a
husband, house, children and other responsibilities of her own:
( Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good - to parents . . .)
(Qur'an 4:36) ( We have enjoined on
man kindness to parents . . .) (Qur'an 29:8)
( And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in
travail upon travail did his mother bear him . . .)
(Qur'an 31:14)
Anyone who looks into the Islamic sources regarding the kind
treatment of parents will also find plenty of Hadith that
reinforce the message of the ayat quoted above and reiterate the
virtue of kindness and respect towards one's parents, as well as
warning against disobedience or mistreatment of them for any
reason whatsoever. `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud said: "I asked the
Prophet (PBUH), `Which deed is most liked by Allah (SWT)?' He
said, `Prayer offered on time.' I asked him, `Then what?' He
said, `Kindness and respect towards parents.' I asked him, `Then
what?' He said, `Jihad for the sake of Allah (SWT).'"
The Prophet (PBUH), this great educator, placed kindness and
respect towards parents between two of the greatest deeds in
Islam: prayer offered on time and jihad for the sake of Allah
(SWT). Prayer is the pillar or foundation of the faith, and
jihad is the pinnacle of Islam. What a high status the Prophet
(PBUH) has given to parents!
<DIR>A man came to the Prophet (PBUH) to "make bay`ah " and to pledge to undertake hijrah and jihad in the hope of receiving reward from Allah (SWT). The Prophet (PBUH) did not rush to accept his bay`ah, but asked him, "Are either of your parents alive?" The man said, "Yes, both of them." The Prophet (PBUH) asked, "And do you wish to receive reward from Allah (SWT)?" The man replied, "Yes." So the kind-hearted and compassionate Prophet (PBUH) told him, "Go back to your parents and keep them company in the best possible way.
"2 According to a report narrated by Bukhari and Muslim, a man came and asked the Prophet (PBUH) for permission to participate in jihad. He asked him, "Are your parents alive?" The man said, "Yes," so the Prophet (PBUH) told him, "So perform jihad by taking care of them.
"3 In the midst of preparing his
army for jihad, the Prophet (PBUH) did not forget the weakness
of parents and their claims on their children, so he gently
discouraged this volunteer and reminded him to take care of his
parents, despite the fact that he needed all the manpower he
could get for the forthcoming jihad. This is because he
understood the importance of respect and kind treatment of
parents, and knew its position in the overall Islamic framework
that Allah (SWT) has designed for the well being and happiness
of mankind. When the mother of Sa`d ibn Abi Waqqas objected to
her son's embracing Islam, she told him: "Give up Islam, or I
will go on hunger strike until I die. Then you will feel shame
before the Arabs, as they will say that he killed his mother."
Sa`d told her, "You should know that, by Allah (SWT), even if
you had a hundred souls, and they left your body one by one, I
would never give up Islam." Then Allah (SWT) revealed an ayah
which the Prophet (PBUH) recited to the Muslims, in which Sa`d
was rebuked for the harshness of his reply to his mother: ( But
if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of
which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them
company in this life with justice [and consideration] . . .)
(Qur'an 31:15)
</DIR> The story of the devoted worshipper Jurayj, which was
told by the Prophet (PBUH), is a vivid illustration of the
importance of respecting one's parents and being quick to obey
them. One day his mother called him whilst he was praying, and
he wondered, "My Lord, my mother or my prayer?" He chose to
continue his prayer (rather than answering his mother). She
called him a second time, but he continued praying and did not
answer her. Then she called him a third time, and when he did
not respond she prayed to Allah (SWT) not to let him die until
he had seen the face of a prostitute. There was a prostitute in
that locality who had committed adultery with a shepherd and
become pregnant. When she realized that she was with child, the
shepherd told her: "If you are asked about the father of the
baby, say it is Jurayj, the devoted worshipper." This is what
she said, so the people went and destroyed the place where he
used to pray. The ruler brought him to the public square, and on
the way Jurayj remembered his mother's prayer and smiled. When
he was brought forth to be punished, he asked for permission to
pray two rak`ahs, then he asked for the infant to be brought
forth and whispered in his ear, "Who is your father?" The infant
said, "My father is so-and-so, the shepherd."4 The people
exclaimed "La ilaha illa-Allah" and "Allahu akbar!" They told
Jurayj, "We will rebuild your prayer-place with silver and
gold!" He said, "No, just rebuild it as it was, with bricks and
mortar." Concerning this story, which is reported by al Bukhari,
the Prophet (PBUH) said: "If Jurayj had sound knowledge, he
would have known that answering his mother was more important
than continuing his prayer."5 Hence the fuqaha' suggested that
if one is praying a nafil prayer and one of one's parents calls
one, one is obliged to stop one's prayer and answer them. The
duty to treat one's parents with kindness and respect sunk into
the consciousness of the Muslims, so they hastened to treat
their parents well both during their lives and after their
deaths. There are many reports and Hadith that indicate this,
for example the report that describes how a woman of Juhaynah
came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said: "My mother made a vow
(nadhr) to perform Hajj but she did not perform Hajj before she
died. May I perform Hajj on her behalf?" He said, "Yes, go and
perform Hajj on her behalf. If you knew that your mother had a
debt, would you not pay it off for her? Pay off what is due to
Allah (SWT), for Allah (SWT) has more right to be paid off."6
<DIR>According to a report given by Muslim, she asked, "She owed
a month's fasting, so may I fast on her behalf?" The Prophet
(PBUH) said, "Fast on her behalf." She said, "She never
performed Hajj, so may I perform Hajj on her behalf?" He said,
"Perform Hajj on her behalf."7
She is kind and respectful towards her parents even if they
are not Muslim
<DIR>The Prophet (PBUH) raised his teachings to a new peak when he enjoined his followers to treat their parents with kindness and respect even if they were adherents of a religion other than Islam. This is clear from the Hadith of Asma' bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq (PBUH), who said: "My mother came to me, and she was a mushrik at the time of the Prophet (PBUH). I asked the Prophet (PBUH), `My mother has come to me and needs my help, so should I help her?' He said, `yes, keep in touch with your mother and help her.'"8
</DIR> The true Muslim who understands the meaning of this Qur'anic guidance and the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH) cannot but be the best and kindest of all people towards his parents, at all times. This is the practice of the Sahabah and those who followed them sincerely. A man asked Sa`id ibn Musayyab (RAA): "I understood all of the ayah about kindness and respect towards parents, apart from the phrase `but address them in terms of honor.' How can I address them in terms of honour?" Sa`id replied: "It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his master." Ibn Sirin (RAA) used to speak to his mother in a soft voice, like that of a sick person, out of respect for her.
She is extremely reluctant to disobey them
Just as the Muslim woman hastens to treat her parents with
kindness and respect, she is also afraid to commit the sin of
disobeying them, because she realises the enormity of this sin
which is counted as one of the major sins ( al-kaba'ir). She is
aware of the frightening picture which Islam paints of the one
who disobeys her parents, and this stirs her conscience and
softens any hardness of heart or harsh feelings that she might
be harboring. Islam draws a comparison between disobedience
towards one's parents and the crime of associating partners with
Allah (SWT), just as it establishes a link between true faith in
Allah (SWT) and respectful treatment of parents. Disobedience to
one's parents is a heinous crime, which the true Muslim woman is
loath to commit, for it is the greatest of major sins and the
worst of errors. Abu Bakrah Nufay` ibn al-Harith said: "The
Messenger of Allah (PBUH) asked us three times, `Shall I tell
you the greatest sins?' We said, `Yes, O Messenger of Allah.' He
said, `Associating partners with Allah (SWT) and disobeying
one's parents.'"9
Her mother comes first, then her father
Islam has encouraged respect and kindness towards parents. Some
texts deal with the mother and father separately, but taken all
together, the texts enjoin a healthy balance in children's
attention to their parents, so that respect to one parent will
not be at the expense of the other. Some texts further confirm
that the mother should be given precedence over the father. So,
as we have seen, when a man came to give bay`ah and pledge to
take part in jihad, the Prophet (PBUH) asked him, "Are either of
your parents alive?" This indicates that the Muslim is obliged
to treat both parents equally well. Similarly, Asma' was ordered
to keep in contact with her mushrik mother. <DIR>A man came to
the Prophet (PBUH) and asked him, "O Messenger of Allah (SWT),
who among people is most deserving of my good company?" He said,
"Your mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH)
said, "Your mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet
(PBUH) said, "Your mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The
Prophet (PBUH) said, "Then your father."10
This Hadith confirms that the Prophet (PBUH) gave precedence to
kind treatment of one's mother over kind treatment of one's
father, and the Sahabah used to remind the Muslims of this after
the death of the Prophet (PBUH). Ibn `Abbas,
a great scholar and faqih of this ummah, considered kind
treatment of one's mother to be the best deed to bring one
closer to Allah (SWT). A man came to him and said, "I asked for
a woman's hand in marriage, and she refuse me. Someone else
asked for her hand and she accepted and married him. I felt
jealous, so I killed her. Will my repentance be accepted?" Ibn
`Abbas asked, "Is your mother still alive?" He said, "No." So he
told him, "Repent to Allah (SWT) and do your best to draw close
to Him." <DIR>`Ata' ibn Yassar, who narrated this report from
Ibn `Abbas, said: "I went and asked Ibn Abbas, `Why did you ask
him if his mother was still alive?' He said, `Because I know of
no other deed that brings people closer to Allah (SWT) than kind
treatment and respect towards one's mother.'"11 Imam Bukhari
opens his book al-Adab al-Mufrad with a chapter on respect and
kindness towards parents (birr al-walidayn), in which he places
the section on good treatment of the mother before that on good
treatment of the father, consistent with the teachings of the
Prophet (PBUH). The Qur'an evokes feelings of love and respect
in the heart of the child, and encourages him or her to treat
parents well. It refers to the mother being given precedence
because of pregnancy and breast-feeding, and the pains and
trials that she suffers during these two stages, in a most
gentle and compassionate way. It recognizes her noble sacrifice
and great tenderness and care: <DIR>( And We have enjoined on
man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his
mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear the
command]: `Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is
[your final] Goal.') (Qur'an 31:14)
What supreme teaching! What humane, compassionate direction:
"Show gratitude to Me and to your parents." Showing gratitude to
parents for what they have done for their child comes second
only to showing gratitude to Allah (SWT), and
is one of the best righteous deeds. What a high status this
religion gives to parents!
<DIR>Ibn `Umar saw a Yemeni man circumambulating the Ka`bah, carrying his mother. The man said to him, "I am like a tame camel for her: I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn `Umar?" He replied, "No, not even one contraction!"12 Every time `Umar ibn al-Khattab (RAA) saw the reinforcements from Yemen, he asked them, "Is Uways ibn `Amir among you?" - until he found Uways. He asked him, "Are you Uways ibn `Amir?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Are you from the clan of Murad in the tribe of Qaran?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Did you have leprosy, then you were cured of it except for an area the size of a dirham? Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Do you have a mother?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar said: "I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: `There will come to you with the reinforcements from Yemen a man called Uways ibn `Amir of the clan of Murad from the tribe of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the size of a dirham. He has a mother, and he has always treated her with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah (SWT), Allah (SWT) will fulfill his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then do so.' So ask Allah (SWT) to forgive me." Uways asked Allah (SWT) to forgive him, then `Umar asked him, "Where are you going?" Uways said, "To Kufah." `Umar said, "Shall I write a letter of recommendation for you to the governor there?" Uways said, "I prefer to be anonymous among the people."13 What a high status Uways reached by virtue of his kindness and respect towards his mother, so that the Prophet (PBUH) recommended his Sahabah to seek him out and ask him to prefer them!
All of this indicates the high status to which Islam has raised
the position of motherhood, and given the mother precedence over
the father. At the same time, Islam has given importance to both
parents, and has enjoined kindness and respect to both.
A woman may enjoy a life of ease and luxury in her husband's
home, and may be kept so busy with her husband and growing
children that she has little time to spare for her parents, and
neglects to check on them and treat them well. But the true
Muslim woman is safe from such errors, as she reads the
recommendations of the Qur'an and Sunnah concerning parents. So
she pays attention to them, constantly checking on them and
hastening to treat them well, as much as her energy, time and
circumstances permit, and as much as she can.
She treats them kindly
The Muslim woman who has embraced
the values of Islam is kind and respectful towards her parents,
treating them well and choosing the best ways to speak to them
and deal with them. She speaks to them with all politeness and
respect, and surrounds them with all honor and care, lowering to
them the wing of humility, as commanded by Allah (SWT) in the
Qur'an. She never utters a word of contempt or complaint to
them, no matter what the circumstances, always heeding the words
of Allah (SWT): ( Your Lord has decreed that you worship
none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one of
both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word
of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor.
And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and
say: `My Lord! Bestow on them Your mercy even as they cherished
me in childhood.') (Qur'an 17:23-24)
If one or both parents are deviating from true Islam in some
way, the dutiful Muslim daughter should, in this case, approach
them in a gentle and sensitive manner, so as to dissuade them
from their error. She should not condemn them harshly, but
should try to convince them with solid proof, sound logic, wise
words and patience, until they turn to the truth in which she
believes. The Muslim woman is required to treat her parents
well, even if they are mushrikin. She does not forget that she
is obliged to treat them well in spite of their shirk. Although
she knows that shirk is the worst of major sins, this does not
prevent her from treating her parents well according to the
uniquely tolerant shari`ah of Islam: <DIR>( And We have enjoined
on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did
his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear
the command], `Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me
is [your final] Goal.' But if they strive to make you join in
worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them
not; yet bear them company in this life with justice [and
consideration], and follow the way of those who turn to Me [in
love]: in the End the return of you all is to Me, and
I will tell you the truth [and meaning] of all that you did.)
(Qur'an 31:14-15)
Kindness and respect towards parents is an important matter in
Islam, because it springs from the strongest of human ties, the
bond of a child to his or her mother and father. But this bond,
great as it is, must come second to the bonds of faith. If the
parents are mushrikin, and order their son or daughter to join
them in their shirk, then the child must not obey them. There is
no obedience to a created being in disobeying the Creator; no
other bond may supersede that of faith and belief in Allah
(SWT). However, children are still obliged to honor and take
care of their parents.
The Muslim woman is kind and respectful towards her parents in
all circumstances, and she spares no effort to make them happy,
as much as she can and within the limits of Islam. So she checks
on them from time to time, offers her services, visits them
often and greets them with a cheerful smile, a loving heart,
delightful gifts and words of kindness.
This is how she cares for them during their lives. After their
death, she shows her love and respect by praying for them,
giving charity on their behalf, and paying off whatever debts
they may owe to Allah (SWT) or to other people. Treating parents
with kindness and respect is one of the essential attitudes of
Muslim men and women. This noble attitude should be ongoing and
should continue, no matter how complicated life becomes, no
matter how high the cost of living rises, and no matter how many
burdens or responsibilities a person has. This attitude is an
indication of the rich emotions that still exist in Muslim
lands, al-hamdu-lillah, and it is proof of the gratitude which
Muslim men and women feel towards the older generation which has
made so many sacrifices for them when they themselves were most
in need of kind words, consolation and a helping hand.
This attitude will protect a person, man or woman, from
hard-heartedness and ingratitude. What is more, it will open to
them the gates of Paradise.
Footnotes: 1.(Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah,
2/176, Kitab al-salat, bab fadl al-salawat al-khams. (Bukhari
and Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 191, bab birr al-walidayn.
See Riyad al-salihin, 191, bab birr al-walidayn.
This child is one of the three who
spoke in the cradle. The other two are 'Isa ibn Maryam (Jesus
the son of Mary) and the child who was with his mother among the
people of al-Ukhdud (the ditch). [Author] See Fath al-Bari,
3/78, Kitab
al-'aml fi'l-salah, bab idha da'at al-umm waladaha fi'l-salat,
and 5/136, Kitab al-mazalim, bab idha hadama ha'itan falyabni
ghayrahu. <LI>See Fath al-Bari, 4/64, Kitab juz' al-sayd, bab
al-hajj wa'l-nudhur. <LI>Sahih Muslim, 8/25, Kitab al-siyam, bab
qada' al-sawm 'an al-mayit. <LI>(Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh
al-Sunnah, 13/13, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah, bab silat al-walid
al-mushrik. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/15,
Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah, bab tahrim al-'uquq. (Bukhari and
Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/4, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah,
bab birr al-walidayn. <LI>Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad,
1/45, bab birr al-umm. Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad,
1/62, bab jaza' al-walidayn. See Sahih Muslim, 16/95, Kitab
fada'il al-sahabah, bab min fada'l Uways al-Qarani. Let there
arise out of you a band of people inviting to all that is good
enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong; they are
the ones to attain felicity". (surah Al-Imran,ayat-104)
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