Power of Positive Talk
By Ralph
Marston
Courtesy: Darul Muslimeen, Dodoma,Tanzania
I
remember my dad teaching me the power of
language at a very young age. Not only did my
dad understand that specific words affect our
mental pictures, but he understood words are a
powerful programming factor in lifelong success.
One particularly interesting event occurred when
I was eight. As a kid, I was always climbing
trees, poles, and literally hanging around
upside down from the rafters of our lake house.
So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me
at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and
forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't
realize the tree could break or I could get
hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so
high.
My
older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree.
She was hanging on the first big limb, about ten
feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed us at
the exact time my dad did. About that time a
huge gust of wind came over the tree. I could
hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree
begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over
the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I
did.
The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming
at the top of her lungs, laying flat on the
ground. She had fallen out of the tree.
I
scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later
told me why she fell and I did not. Apparently,
when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she
yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did
fall.
My dad then
explained to me that the mind has a very
difficult time processing a negative image. In
fact, people who rely on internal pictures
cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy
to process the command of not falling, her
nine-year-old brain had to first imagine
falling, then try to tell the brain not to do
what it just imagined. Whereas, my
eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal
image of me hanging on tightly.
This concept is especially useful when you are
attempting to break a habit or set a goal. You
can't visualize not doing something. The only
way to properly visualize not doing something is
to actually find a word for what you want to do
and visualize that. For example, when I was
thirteen years old, I played for my junior high
school football team. I tried so hard to be
good, but I just couldn't get it together at
that age. I remember hearing the words run
through my head as I was running out for a pass,
"Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the ball.
My
coaches were not skilled enough to teach us
proper "self-talk." They just thought some kids
could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make
it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday
afternoon football player, because all my
internal dialogue is positive and encourages me
to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing
football instead of just climbing trees. I might
have had a longer football career.
Here is a very
easy demonstration to teach your kids and your
friends the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask
them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them.
Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to
them, "Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe
what they do.
Most people release their hands and watch the
pencil hit the floor. You respond, "You weren't
paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil.
Now please do it again." Most people then pick
up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating
pain while their hand tries but fails to drop
the pencil.
The point is made. If you tell your brain you
will "give it a try," you are actually telling
your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my
house and with everyone I interact with. Either
people will do it or they won't. Either they
will be at the party or they won't. I'm brutal
when people attempt to lie to me by using the
word try. Do they think I don't know they are
really telegraphing to the world they have no
intention of doing it but they want me to give
them brownie points for pretended effort? You
will never hear the words "I'll try" come out of
my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a
seminar.
If you "try" and do something, your unconscious
mind has permission not to succeed. If I truly
can't make a decision I will tell the truth.
"Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your
party or not. I've got an outstanding
commitment. If that falls through, I will be
here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the
invite." People respect honesty. So remove the
word "try" from your vocabulary.
My dad also told me that psychologists claim it
takes seventeen positive statements to offset
one negative statement. I have no idea if it is
true, but the logic holds true. It might take up
to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional
damage of one harsh criticism.
These are concepts
that are especially useful when raising
children. Ask yourself how many compliments you
give yourself daily versus how many criticisms.
Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day
long. We all have internal voices that give us
direction.
So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or
are you short changing yourself with toxic
self-talk like, "I'm fat. Nobody will like me.
I'll try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so
stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."
If our parents can
set a lifetime of programming with one wrong
statement, imagine the kind of programming you
are doing on a daily basis with your own
internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic
Vocabulary words. Notice when you or other
people use them.
BUT: Negates any
words that are stated before it.
TRY: Presupposes
failure.
IF: Presupposes
that you may not.
MIGHT: It does
nothing definite. It leaves options for your
listener.
WOULD HAVE: Past
tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen.
SHOULD HAVE: Past
tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen (and implies guilt.)
COULD HAVE: Past
tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen but the person tries to take
credit as if it did happen.
CAN’T/DON’T: These
words force the listener to focus on exactly the
opposite of what you want. This is a classic
mistake that parents and coaches make without
knowing the damage of this linguistic error.
Examples:
Toxic phrase:
"Don't drop the ball!"
Likely result: Drops the ball
Better language: "Catch the ball!"
Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much
television."
Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: "I read too much television
makes people stupid. You might find yourself
turning that TV off and picking up one of those
books more often!"
Exercise:
Take a moment to write down all the phrases you
use on a daily basis or any Toxic self-talk that
you have noticed yourself using. Write these
phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself
as they occur and change them.
Forge a positive relationship with the world
around you and the world will become a better
place for you to live. |