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Newsletter for June 2012
Basics Of A Happy Marriage
Faith: The most basic and essential
attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds
the couple. Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion
confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a
Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases
communication and sharing of values. Faith plays an important
role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be
upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a
reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between
them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE
ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions Do you
wish that Allah should forgive youEthey said, of course O Prophet of Allah.
He responded, Then forgive each other.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the
spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or
act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we
live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or
doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to
dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only
happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are
not stingy to forgive. If we expect Allah to forgive us than we
must learn to forgive.
Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times
they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things
that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as
fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this
technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own
pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in
managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts
us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah
through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that
empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states
in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except
those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other
to the truth and counsel each other to SabrE(Quran, chapter
103).
Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable
because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are
their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must
respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not
compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not
accommodating for individual differences leads to a very
stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The
relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand
outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in
spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we
should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to
their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy
scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a
leadership role within a family. This requires a certain
decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each
other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but
a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a
position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden
on the husband. Further more the children need to see their
parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages
disrespect.
Friendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly
relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents
are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much
valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose
parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our
spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just
because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly
relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should
not force the issue.
Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of
friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same
gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends
so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being
caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the
expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose
God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way.
Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing
some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A
simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship.
Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is
another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our
spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable
by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior
prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the
opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the
misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet
relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and
is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of
betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult.
Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray
confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats
away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to
not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have
been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our
statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any
circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are
talking about our life partners and the parent of our children.
To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the
behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the
defensive.
Finance: One of the most common points of contention in
marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital
conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious
time and effort in developing a financial management plan that
is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so.
Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to
handling household finances. It should be remembered that the
wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and
therefore should not be considered family income unless she
chooses to contribute it to the family
Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents
are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on
the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the
lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some
resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must
always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not
our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table
and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly
parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This
can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and
parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type
of support network they will have. In case of mental
incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of
a will is most essential .
Feelings: Prophet Muhammad stated that Allah forgives all sins
if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e.
hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives
first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their
spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that
the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are
more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their
loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do
not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably
do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does
not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not
better to make amends when we have the time?
Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or
slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic
concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced
and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be
themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to
do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow
freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and
to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt
with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a
youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names
for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with
each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel
safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's
feeling, without compromising their own views. When the
communication is not frank it hinders in the development of
closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the
Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that
their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This
commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for
enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the
couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His
Deen.
Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery
is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone
likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about
compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated
in return.
Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very
fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give
one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make
stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but
such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are
so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible
beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible
they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing
fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as
people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending
quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in
which one can develop fondness.
Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work
on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss
these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and
secures the relationship.
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